Well, World Series time is here again. I'm not really in to it much this
year. My team, the Chicago White Sox, won the ALCS and the World Series
last year. They did it in brilliant fashion, too, winning 10 of 11 games
played in the ALCS and the WS. Since then I've been sitting in a lawn
chair on top of a mountain so high that I'll never come down. So this
year? Interesting, but I've already lived my dream.

Here at P.M.P.I. I've been stuck on a short story that just doesn't seem
to want to finish. In the meantime, I've been taking a kind of seventh
inning stretch and posting the kind of non-P.M.P.I. stuff that I claimed
a few months ago I wasn't going to put up anymore. But it's been
enjoyable nonetheless.

I was following some links after a Google Blog search this morning when
I came upon an interesting site. Worst Case Scenarios
is the web version of the book series devoted to tricky
situations and what you can do if you need to get out of one. The
suggestions they offer are admittedly 80 percent tongue-in-cheek, but
there is also some practical advice given also.

Topics (find them in the Scenario Archive at the top of the page) are
sorted into Extreme Survival, Travel Survival, Dating and Sex Survival,
Golf Survival, Holiday Survival, and finally Work Survival.

Under each of theses groups you will find particular scenarios and what
to do about them. Under Dating and Sex Survival, for example, you will
find scenarios ranging from the fairly practical "How To Escape From a
Bad Date" all the way to the rather crazy "How to Determine the Gender
of Your Date" and "How to Determine if Your Date is an Axe Murderer."

In the Travel Survival category, they have one for "How to Foil a UFO
Abduction." For this extreme situation, they recommend the following:

  • Do not panic. The extraterrestrial biological entity (EBE) may sense
    your fear and act rashly.

    [And they might poop themselves.]

  • Control your thoughts. Do not think of anything violent or
    upsetting — the EBE may have the ability to read your mind. Try to avoid
    mental images of abduction (boarding the saucer, anal probes); such
    images may encourage them to take you.

    [And they might think that you WANT to be probed.]

  • Resist verbally. Firmly tell the EBE to leave you alone.

    [There are various gestures for that as well.]

  • Resist mentally. Picture yourself enveloped in a protective shield of
    white light, or in a safe place. Telepathic EBEs may get the message.

    [Or they may just think you're on drugs.]

  • Resist physically. Physical resistance should be used only as a last
    resort. Go for the EBE’s eyes (if it has any) — you will not know what
    its other, more sensitive areas are.

    [And trust me you really don't want to know.]

The book is available here among other places. It would make a great
Christmas gift. Or maybe I should say, "How to Survive Buying Someone
a Christmas Present When You Haven't the Foggiest Idea What to Buy Them."

from "How to Survive a Tiny Workspace."

I think I would have to go for the second one.
With the addition of a mini-fridge, a microwave,
and two surveillance cameras located at the top edges
of the cubicle so you can spot the boss coming.