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Well, the campaign for the Slow Party, the political party of
Bill and Karolyn Slowsky (the tortoises you see on TV on the Comcast
commericals), has gotten off to a "slow" start. Gee, go figure. In fact
it arrived too late to really have much influence on this year's mid-
term elections. In fact I didn't even know about the party until today,
election day.

The Slow Party's platform supports:

Speed bumps
Loading bars
Waiting rooms
Rice cookers
Slow downloads
DSL

I suppose they support other "slow" issues as well. They'll probably get
around to listing them sometime in the future. I can't say when. Don't
hold your breath.

Now I can't really say that I support the slow downloads and DSL. I
guess I've got an independent view of that one. But that's only because
it would take my P.M.P.I. pages about two days to load up in my browser
without my very fast internet connection.

Now, sea-turtles can move pretty fast in the water. They can swim faster
than sharks. So when it comes to my internet connection, I have to go
with the fast, sea-turtle connection over the slower, land-based
tortoise connection.

I didn't see any actual human Slow Party candidates in this election.
Before I discovered the Slow Party, I was thinking about doing a write-
in vote for that guy on the AARP commercial, the good-looking guy with the
good looking wife who sings and serves pie. He seemed as good as
anybody. But I couldn't find my ballot. I looked around for it for a
while and then just decided to follow the motto for the AARP's ad —
Don't Vote. I don't think that's what they had in mind. No matter.

They say if you don't vote you don't have a right to complain about
things. I voted in 2004. After the candidate I really wanted got knocked
out in the primaries, I ended up voting for a candidate I didn't really
want, just to try to friggin' keep Bush out and keep him from appointing
any Supreme Court judges. That didn't work. Bush was elected. Since 2004
I've been doing a lot of complaining. That didn't help things either.
Bush has done pretty much want he wants to. And Congress, at least for
the most part, has just been stealing and lying and avoiding the important
issues.

Come to think of it, maybe we do have Slow Party candidates after all.
They're simply not called that. They are known by the old terms of
Democrat and Republican. Iraq, for example — a perfect "slow" issue.
For all of the Democrats' bitching about the war that didn't stop them
from writing a new check last month that will allow Bush to keep the war
going up to December 2007 without debate. Whether you support the war or
not, I think it has been clear for quite some time now that things are
not going well and that something needs to be done about that.

As for any other good candidates, they seem to be content with being oh-
so idealistic and running on some third-party ticket. To all of those
people I only have three words: Bull Moose Party. Remember the Bull Moose
Party? Most Americans today don't remember it, either. That should tell
you something right there.

What we need most between now and 2008 is some new, Sea-Turtle politics.
My advice to the Democrats is to stop shooting yourselves in the damn foot,
go out and get up some new people and new ideas — hell, steal them from
the Green Party if you have to — but just get your shit together. And my
advice to the Republicans is to get your asses out of 1877 and out of the
Neo-Con agenda that has proved so impossible or divisive and back to the
center and contemporary America where most people live.

It's either that, or the guy who sings and serves pie. But at least then
we'd get pie.

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