Not only can I not get my magic lamp to work, but I've been suspecting the
past few days that I'm being poisoned by Russian President Vladimir
Putin as well.

I've been feeling really tired lately. Kind of run down. Like there's
something wrong with me — and I don't mean just psychologically. Now I
don't exactly know what happens with that Polonium stuff. But I imagine
that having a radioactive isotope floating around in your bloodstream
would tend to make a person feel pretty tired. I also cough up this
strange stuff — but maybe that's too much information. In any case the
stuff in question isn't luminescent green or anything. But it might as
well be.

Now I really don't know why Vladimir Putin would want me out of the way.
Maybe he doesn't like detective fiction, that's my guess. Maybe he prefers
the horror genre. I wonder if Stephen King has been sick lately? I sure
hope not. I really don't like King's stuff much, but I respect him as a
writer at least enough to hope that he hasn't been poisoned with radioactive

What I really couldn't figure out is who had been doing the actual
poisoning. And then I started thinking. My mom goes to church every
week. That whole "going to church" thing sounds very suspicious, if you
ask me. My hypothesis is that the KGB got to her. Yeah, she might be my
own mother, and she might be 74 years old, but that doesn't mean that
a nice house in Mexico and some money to spend wouldn't be really nice.
Not only that, but I think my dog is in on it as well. I always thought
there was something wrong with him starting about four years ago when he
stopped biting my girlfriend on the ass. Now I know why. He's a turncoat.
You'd be surprised what a miniature dachshund will do for some sliced roast
beef and a couple of squeaky toys.

I just hope Putin knows that I know and that I'm not going to sit around
and take it. As long as there's breath in my poor, radioactive body I'm
going to expose his evil shit right here at P.M.P.I.

In the meantime I guess I'll just drink plenty of orange juice and take
some aspirin. I don't know if that will do anything against the radioactive
poisoning thing or not. It certainly can't hurt.

Stay posted.

Vladimir Putin — You better back off, buddy.