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The other night I watched Attack of the Sabretooth on the Sci-Fi
Channel. Attack of the Sabretooth (2005) is one of those movies that is
so bad that it is actually good. Kind of like Plan Nine From Outer
Space.
Or Notes On a Scandal. Uh, wait, forget that last one — I
must be thinking of some other movie.

The movie is one of the Sci-Fi Channel's own. And they make a lot of
them. So it only makes sense that there are going to be a good number of
turkeys in the mix. If nothing else, doing this review allowed me to create
the tag MAN-EATING SABRETOOTH TIGERS. Which is not something you
get to do on most days.

Attack of the Sabretooth is an obvious rip-off of Jurassic
Park
and seems to make no apologies for it. The theme park is
smaller, and they've reintroduced sabretooth tigers instead of
dinosaurs. As the movie opens a guy named Niles, who is the entrepeneur
responsible for building the park, is having a shindig for potential
investors to try to raise more capital to finish and expand the park.

Now the last thing you would want to happen if you are entertaining
investors is to have some sort of accident — say, having your man-
eating sabretooth tigers escape from the lab. So of course that's
exactly what happens. When Savannah, the lead scientist for the project,
goes to Niles and tells him that the animals have escaped, he tells her
to deal with it. So she goes off and tries to deal with it. At this point
the big cats are fairly well contained in the jungle outside the
compound, and everyone is optimistic that it is only a matter of time
before they will be tracked down. So of course that doesn't happen,
either.

Along with the theme park people, you have a group of college students
who have come over to the island on a scavenger hunt. And let's just say
that they don't help matters very much when, after the tigers have
gotten loose, they break into the computer lab for the park and turn off
the electricity so they can get into the gift shop. Yeah, all that to
get into the gift shop. Because in a way that is never fully explained
that's where all the stuff they need for the scavenger hunt is. And
evidently they don't have the money to just buy the crap.

So that's the basic mix. You've got the theme park people, the
investors, and the dumb college kids. As for the sabretooth cats, there
are only three of them. Two are your normal, run-of-the-mill man-eating
sabretooth tigers. The third one had something gone wrong with his DNA
or something and is missing his hindquarter section. But I have to say,
he gets around pretty good for a handicapped feline. You certainly have
to give him credit for that, even if he does eat people.

This is one of those movies where you get to try to guess who gets eaten
and in what order. Amongst the stupid college kids contingent, for
example, you have the following menu:

Nerdy Oriental guy type
Popular blonde slutty babe type
Dark-haired misunderstood Goth chic type
Sweet black girl with Caucasian features type

My money was on the Goth chic for getting eaten first. I won't tell you
if I was right or not in case you want to see the movie.

But the college kids aren't the only ones being attacked. There are
plenty of theme park workers for audience to choose from…I mean the
cats to choose from.

Now the tigers in this movie don't just maul and bite and eat their
victims. They also have claws like razors. So the first thing they
usually do is use their claws to decapitate the victim and send their
head flying. So this isn't just the normal things-go-wrong-in-the-lab
movie. It's part slasher movie. The fake blood in this one was made up
in gallon jugs and freely distributed.

It took me about two minutes into the movie to realize that it was
going to be a bad one. So I went over to my desk and got my notebook
out and went back over to the couch. I fully expected that what with
already one stupid (and funny) line in the script that there would be
more. And my hypothesis on that was correct. I couldn't get all of the
funny lines down, but here is a small sample.

GRANT: Why don't we turn everything on. Lights. Music. That way if
they're hiding out in the park they will head for the lab.

[Sure. Nobody likes a party better than a sabretooth.]

********

SAVANNAH: People will get eaten!
NILES: The only thing that's going to get eaten around here are the
canapes.

[Nothing like a good canape — before the main course of homo sapien.]

********

SACHARIAH: Some say it's superstition. Others say it's…
GRANT: What?
SACHARIAH: …the Evil Eye.

[Much more sensible. It's good to know we can forget all that superstitious
nonsense and get right down to dealing with the problem of the Evil Eye.]

********

SACHARIAH: The cats are bulemic. They have to eat, but they can't keep
their food down. They kill, they eat, and they vomit."

[Think of a New York restaurant full of supermodels and you'll be on the
right track.]

********

NILES: This whole getting ripped apart by a tiger thing, I have to tell
you, in two weeks…the media, they have attention spans like — that.
(snaps his fingers)

[Unfortunately, that one is true. And now back to our report on the true
father of Anna Nicole's baby.]

********

GRANT: Twenty people are dead, Niles. It's carnage. It's like Baghdad.

[There are man-eating sabretooth tigers in Baghdad? Holy…shit! I never
even noticed!]

Ordinarily I would give this movie a 1 GU rating, and even then most of
that would be for the rather wild horror-movie type slasher effects. But
the script is just so ridiculously funny that I have to add another
point or two to it.

As Pat Maginess said at one point, "The world is nuts. You gotta laugh
at it sometimes or you'll go crazy."

P.M.P.I. Rating (Out of 5)

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