Kinda like rush hour, ain't it? Except a little bit faster.
The most popular sport in the world is auto racing. It's bigger than
European "football," bigger than American Football or Basketball. In
fact perhaps nothing says "modern culture" more than a bunch of cars
driving around in a circle at an incredible rate of speed and consuming
mass quantities of gasoline until they finish where they begin.
But I was thinking yesterday that auto racing, such as NASCAR, could be
much more generally reflective of culture than just cars hitting the
wall and blowing apart. There are definitely some missing elements.
These are the changes I think would make NASCAR a more culturally
1. Fast Food
You just gotta have fast food in on this. According to the new rules I
am proposing, every driver would be required to make a Food Stop at
sometime during the race. A McDonald's drive up window will be placed
at the beginning of the pit lane. Each driver will pull in at their
discretion, but every driver will be required to order a Big Mac, fries
and a medium Coke. They will also be required — similar to normal drivers
— to eat the fries as they drive. They can skip the burger and Coke if
they want to.
2. Hot Babes with Large Silicone Breasts
Every guy dreams about having a really "boss" car like the NASCAR
drivers get to jump into. But what's the use of having a rod if you
don't have a hot babe sitting next to you? This rule change will put the
passenger seat back on the right hand side and a really hot stacked chic
will ride in the seat during the race — wearing a really low-cut halter
top, of course. An internal camera in every car will broadcast shots of
the babes during the race. And of course what will be really hot is when
it gets, well, hot in the car during the race due to the high-performance
engine and the babe starts working up a bit of a sheen on her skin.
This will be a dangerous job without a suit and helmet. But they'll pay
the women plenty.
For a woman NASCAR driver, she gets her choice of the hot babe or a hot
shirtless hunk. She'd probably get more attention if she chooses the
This girl would glady risk her life to further the sport.
Or to get a modeling contract.
This is America. You gotta throw guns into it. It's in the Constitution.
Every driver will be issued a Glock 9 mm automatic with a full clip. At
their discretion, they will be allowed to take pot-shots at other cars.
This will add a definite level of excitement to the race as tires get
shot out and gas tanks blow up.
4. The Victory
A bottle of milk and a trophy just aren't good enough. We need to give
these drivers some REAL incentive out there. There are plenty of really
good ways to do that, but my idea is to put them in a chariot and drive
them to the nearest town and proclaim them to be a God. Then, for 24
hours, they get to do anything they want with full impunity.
So there're the changes. I'm ready. Let's light this candle.