It's a wonder how this ship ever made
it through the galaxy.

The original crew of the United Federation Starship Enterprise is
almost legendary these days for having been one of the finest all-around
crews to ever serve on any Federation vessel.

Nevertheless there have been many reports since then that the crew may
not have been the shining example that we think these days, but in fact
had many problems that are only now coming to light.

James T. Kirk

Bold and courageous according to the myth.
But in actual fact a type-A egomaniac and
control freak who always had to be the
center of attention. In order to keep up
his "always-on" image, Kirk was known to have
used Romulan cocaine; for which reason he was
secretly known among the crew as "Captain Crack."


The most famous science officer in federation
history. As it turns out, Spock suffered from a
severe obsessive-compulsive disorder that at
times could almost cripple him. He washed his
hands ultrasonically forty times per day, and
was such a perfectionist on his Vulcan harp
that he could never bring himself to learn
more than two songs — which of course he
had to play perfectly every single time or
he would start all over. Which was one reason
people tended to avoid the officer's lounge.


Uhura suffered from a multiple personality
disorder. As "Uhura" she was calm and capable.
As "Charmaine" she would freak out at the least
odd event on the bridge.

Dr. Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy

While extremely competent as a doctor, McCoy
suffered from satyrmania and couldn't keep his
hands off the nurses. He also had serious trust
issues, especially with regard to authority.

Montgomery "Scotty" Scott

Although a brilliant engineer, Scotty was in
fact a chronic alcoholic who was in and out
of rehab his entire career. He was also known
to have been into the Vlalaxian Swamp Weed at
various periods.

Hikaru Sulu

Sulu was calm on the surface, but underneath
he had a violent streak that was the result
of his repressed homosexuality.

Pavel Checkov

Chekov suffered from a chronic bipolar
disorder that often interfered with his
career. Although he was prescribed medication
for his condition by McCoy, he never responded
completely to med therapy and would often spend
days at a time in his quarters, reading and
re-reading Gogol and Turgenev.

Nurse Chappell

Nurse Chappel suffered from Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder as a result of having been
attacked by a Beringian Pooh-Bear as a child.
As a result she almost never left sick-bay and
would sleep on one of the hospital beds. She
always kept a sharp scalpel close at hand in case
any Beringian Pooh-Bears were ever to show up
on board the Enterprise.