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Senator Johnson back on the job.

Senator Tim Johnson, D-S.D., returned to Congress yesterday after having
recuperated from a brain hemorrhage that was discovered last December
and for which he received emergency brain surgery.

The senator, while slurring some of his words, seemed upbeat at the press
conference held on his return. "I am back and I promise you all that I will
work harder than ever for you and for our state."

As it happens, we here at P.M.P.I. have been granted an exclusive list of
the bills and initiatives the senator plans to push forward now that he has
returned from brain surgery.

Sen. Johnson's New Initiatives

  • Bill giving dairy cows the right to collect Social Security upon reaching
    age six.
  • U.S. government to give one fighter jet to all countries that don't have
    one.
  • Bill setting price controls on tomatoes.
  • Resolution stating that stapling things together is the official national
    sport.
  • U.S. capitol to be moved from Washington D.C. to just south of Omaha,
    Nebraska and renamed "Pleasantville."
  • All illegal Mexicans to be given the same status as illegal Canadians.
  • In a bold move toward socialization, the Government Accounting Office
    will now be in charge of all Starbuck's Coffee Shops.
  • U.S. Mint to be abolished and all currency replaced by magic beans.

In all seriousness, I am glad that Senator Johnson has made a good recovery
and I hope he continues to improve.

"Of course, I believe I have an unfair edge over most of my colleagues
right now" Johnson said. "My mind works faster than my mouth does."

You go for it, Senator.

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