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(After having spent so many weeks doing serious
updates of the Pirate Master episodes, I just
couldn't resist doing something far less serious
with CBS's newest reality show,
Survivor: China.
But don't worry — this will be the only one.)

The start of Episode 2 of Survivor: China found the Red team debating
what possible long-term repercussions might be felt as a result of having
thrown Wolverine John off the show the previous week. Wolverine John
had been thrown off due to the quite universal perception that he scratched
himself too often in too many embarrassing places, and some of the team
members wondered what that might mean for remaining members who might
have to scratch themselves more legitimately.

Meanwhile, the focus of discussion on the Yellow team was on food. There
was a long discussion between Heather, Walnut, Feisty and Cookie in which
they all pretty much agreed that as enjoyable as it may have been eating
oriental take-out occasionally back home, that eating Chinese food every
damn meal was simply "way too much of a good thing." They also agreed
that the young man who delivered the food in from the neighboring city on
his bicycle seemed to expect far too much in the way of tips.

Then the temple bell rang and the two teams lined up to begin the
competition portion of the show. Episode 2 had the teams competing to
see which would be the first to artificially inseminate one of two Giant
Pandas with a large turkey baster. The whole activity was made more
complicated by the fact that the English-language instructions for the
insemination procedure had been written by a native Chinese technical
writer. After spending many precious minutes trying to figure out the
instructions, both teams finally decided to throw the instruction sheet
away and figure it out for themselves.

The two teams hunkered down around their respective pandas to hold
them steady, with one contestant on each team trying to place the
turkey baster in the necessary location. Of the two pandas, Ping
proved to be the Nervous Nellie of the pair, and the Yellow team
cursed it's fate. Nevertheless the Red team had it's own share of
problems inseminating Pong, the other panda. Jerry, who had been
given the task of inserting the turkey baster into Pong, found himself
unable to do so, crying "Ew, Ew, a vagina!" until Joe-Bob got tired
of listening to him. Showing the same kind of leadership ability he
had shown in Episode 1, Joe-Bob grabbed the turkey baster and handed
it to Louise, who evidently had some experience in similar situations
back home in the U.S. That proved to be the key to success, and within
another couple of minutes Pong was filled with a good quantity of panda
semen and the Red team cheered its victory.

Ping and Pong rest after their ordeal.

Having lost the competition, the Yellow team had to vote to decide which
of their team members was to be thrown out of the group and thus off
the show. As usual there was a lot of clandestine, whispered discussion
on the issue. Some members talked initially about throwing Ricardo off
the show, primarily due to the fact that Ricardo had been technically
brain-dead since the age of six. Nevertheless Ricardo had proved to have
remarkable zombie-like powers of locomotion; and, like some of the
native birds of the area, could imitate human speech. Then there was the
fact that some team members considered him to be the "hunkiest" member
of the team. Unable to come to any consensus on Ricardo the team began
discussing throwing Zwinky off, the general feeling there being that
while Zwinky had shown herself to be incredibly adaptable during the
first two weeks that the members were simply tired of having to pick out
her wardrobe and dress her every morning. And so when the votes were
cast and counted, it was Zwinky who was thrown off of the show.

Zwinky gets voted off of the show in
Episode 2 of Survivor: China.