"Whazzup, homes?"

Two young men and a woman go out on a night on the town. They all get
pretty drunk and somehow end up on an ostrich ranch outside of San
Francisco. Don't ask why, and don't ask why there's an ostrich ranch
outside of San Francisco, that's just the way it is. They get out of
the car and are knocking off the remainder of some booze when an ostrich
approaches. The two men go up to the ostrich, thinking they can have a
little fun. The ostrich, however, has it's own ideas about the "pecking
order" on the ranch, and kicks the shit out of them. The girl begins laughing
hilariously at the plight of her two friends. Deeply embarrassed, the
two youths swear to get revenge on the ostrich that humiliated them.

A new episode of Cold Case, you ask? No, this really happened.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, they say. The two men went back to
the ostrich ranch a few weeks later with a rifle and a shotgun and killed
the ostrich, whose name as it turns out was Gaylord.

Perhaps plagued by guilt at the heinous murder, one of the men, Jonathon
Porter, turned himself in. And the cops must have interrogated him (maybe
in a room with only one chair, a bright light-bulb hanging down from the
ceiling?) and forced him to give up his accomplice. Porter will do seven
months hard time for the dirty deed. His partner, Timothy McKevitt, will
face sentencing in November.

I just hope this doesn't cause a further escalation in human vs. ostrich
gang violence outside of San Francisco. Because as this incident proves,
I think we've seen enough of that already.