, ,

Actress Judy Davis.

It's been a while now since I posted anything about my imaginary
relationship with actress Judy Davis. To be honest, that's because me
and Judy's imaginary relationship has kind of been in the doldrums
lately. And that's no good, of course. When that kind of thing happens
it's important to step in and be proactive about things and take
imaginary steps to fix it.

So a few weeks back I started thinking about ways that we might get
things really cooking again between us. Prior to this me and Judy have
had some really great times together. We would come together in a
"passionate embrace" on a piano stool, or on top of the piano, or a few
times under the piano. Then there was that great train trip to Cleveland,
on which me and Judy joined the Elevation Zero club a good number of
times and talked and smoked cigarettes. That was a great trip. Judy even
managed to get in a bit of impromptu (pun intended) acting on the trip,
performing excerpts from Euripides' Electra in the club car. Pretty much
everybody in the club car gave Judy an enthusiastic round of applause
afterward. To which Judy gave them that great kinda-sorta embarrassed
smile of hers.

Anyway, it would be hard to beat the train trip to Cleveland. So what
could I come up with as a sequel to put some of the flame back into our
imaginary affair? It occurred to me that perhaps what we needed was to
get away from all of the gravitas of this Earth.

So a month ago I got on the internet and got onto the NASA site and
booked me and Judy two seats for the next space shuttle launch. Me and
Judy then met up with each other in that place once known as Cape Canaveral
and then as Cape Kennedy and now known as Cape Canaveral again. When the
morning of the launch came we donned our space suits and took our seats on
the shuttle. Not too long after that we were off, and I have to say it was
really a shaky experience, though an exciting one. Me and Judy took each
other's gloved hand as the shuttle flew into the heavens.

Once safely in orbit, the crew busied itself with looking at buttons and
dials and computer screens. Me and Judy went up to the front of the shuttle
and looked out through one of the tiny windows onto the planet below. And I
must admit, the Earth is a pretty nice place when seen from a great distance.

A few hours after that we were docking with the International Space
Station (ISS). I spent the first couple of hours trying to figure out
why it is called "International," seeing as the only people on the
station at that point were Americans and one Australian (Judy), which
somehow didn't seem too international. I finally decided that it must be
like our local "Spokane International Airport," even though the only
people you see in the terminal are college students from Portland and
businessmen from Minneapolis. I was told later that sometimes they do
have the occasional Russian or Canadian on board. And once, they had a
Japanese guy. So that explained the "International" part.

I can't say much for the quality of the ISS. The rooms were cramped and
the staff (who called themselves "crew") were friendly but usually too
busy to help us much. The little wet towels they gave us to wash off with
smelled like plastic, probably because they came wrapped in plastic. The
food was a disappointment. My beef stroganoff tasted like beef-flavored
pudding and Judy's sweet-and-sour shrimp tasted like cherry-flavored
shrimp pudding. In fact, the only thing that didn't taste like some
weird variety of pudding was the water, which tasted like it had been
stored in an old rusty can for a couple of months. All in all, I really
can't give the ISS more than a ONE STAR based on the amenities. But
given the exotic locale and all the high-tech stuff and the absence of
gravity, I have to up the rating to THREE STARS.

While the crew slept me and Judy took to going into the laboratory
module, where we would take off our flight suits and fall into a
"passionate embrace." Given our weightless condition the normal type of
pushing and thrusting stuff was pretty much impossible. So we took to a
few Latin terms, which to be honest me and Judy prefer anyway. And I
have to say that Judy Davis looks beautiful naked and in zero gravity.

And that last sentence isn't one you are bound to find elsewhere on the
internet anytime soon, I think.

There was one minor incident aboard the ISS. I think it was our third
night back in the laboratory module when the edge of my right ear caught
the lip of a plastic experiment container and I ended up pulling it out
of its slot. Without gravity, the container floated slowly across the module
space until it hit the other side — me and Judy were a little occupied
at the time and didn't notice. At that point the container popped open
releasing quite of good number of chameleons. I don't know what pharma-
cological experiment they were conducting on the chameleons, but what
I can say is it seemed to take me and Judy forever to get them all back
into the container. Or at least I think we got all of them.

No matter how much fun we were having, it finally came time to go back
home. We got back into the shuttle and put on our space suits again and
buckled up. Before we knew it we were falling like a meteor through the
Earth's atmosphere and the shuttle was shaking like crazy. I started
thinking about missing tiles — not the missing tiles that were responsible
for the earlier shuttle disaster but the missing 1:3 tile from my domino
set. I got to thinking that perhaps I should have told the old Chinese guy
upstairs who I play dominoes with about the missing tile. Looking back, it
didn't seem quite fair. Strange how things like that can cross your mind
when you are falling like a big hot rock out of the sky.

It was a great trip. And I definitely think that it put the zip back
into me and Judy's imaginary relationship, no matter how short a trip
it really was. And, according to my watch, the whole trip has taken about
thirty minutes since I started writing this. Though it has really seemed
like much longer. But that's the way it is when you get into the creative
groove. A minute can transform itself into an hour. A day can open out into
a year.

And a lifetime can transform itself into an eternity.