Brooke Langton stars in Primeval.

During my break I tried to avoid any of what you might call BFD ("Big
Frigging Deal") activities. Because I found out very quickly on the break
that I was just kind of tired of everything in my life being such a BFD
anymore. So I tried to concentrate on trite, meaningless stuff. And in
general, I succeeded.

One thing I did was get on the Internet Movie Database to see if there
were any movies that had come out that I might want to see that were
available on DVD. I also checked out their list of Heidi movies. It's
sort of complicated explaining that one, but let's say it has to do with
a running joke between me and this girl I know. While I was checking out
this one Heidi movie I noticed that it had the tag "goat." Movies on the
IMDB are given tags similar to blog posts. But I had never paid much
attention to the tags, or used them, until I saw the "goat" tag. Not
having done that kind of thing before, and being in the mood to pursue
ridiculous, non-BFD stuff anyway, I decided to click on the "goat" tag
to see what I got.

What came up were 150 movies that also had the tag "goat." Which really
surprised me. I would have expected that there would be a lot of movies
with the tag "cow" or "cattle," but not "goat."

One of the movies on the list was a recent movie called Primeval (2007).
Since I had never heard of it and had no idea what it was about, I decided
to read more about it. According to the information at IMDB, Primeval is an
action-adventure set in Africa and involving some sort of political stuff
and with a giant monster crocodile thrown in. Maybe kind of like a really
sleazy Blood Diamonds except with a giant crocodile.

I also checked out the tags for Primeval. Not seeing the tag "goat" on
the short list, I clicked on "more" to get the entire list of tags. I was taken
to a new page with all the tags.

And I couldn't believe what I got. Here's the list, verbatim:


  • Murder
  • Animal Attack
  • Trap
  • Head Butt
  • Mass Grave
  • Cigarette Burn
  • Profanity
  • Monster Movie
  • Giant Animal
  • Loss Of Friend
  • African American
  • Wildlife
  • Shot In The Chest
  • Torn In Half
  • Mauling
  • Female Reporter
  • Bait
  • Attempted Rape
  • Point Of View
  • Employer Employee Relationship
  • Child In Peril
  • Obscene Finger Gesture
  • Betrayal
  • Investigative Reporter
  • Hit In Crotch
  • Senator
  • Machete
  • Cameraman
  • Violence Against Women
  • Dog Lover
  • RPG
  • Execution
  • Hit By Car
  • Shot To Death
  • Shot In The Stomach
  • Dog
  • Campfire
  • Civil War
  • Slow Motion Scene
  • Helicopter
  • Thick Accent
  • Documentary Filmmaking
  • Filmmaker
  • Airplane Trip
  • Shaman
  • War Zone
  • Pier
  • American Abroad
  • Shot In The Leg
  • Underwater Scene
  • Humans In Cages
  • Airport
  • Heavy Rain
  • Reporter
  • Interracial Friendship
  • Comeuppance
  • Snake
  • Africa
  • Death
  • Crocodile
  • Blood
  • Goat
  • Tracking Device
  • Decapitation
  • Grenade
  • Politician
  • CPR
  • CGI
  • Based On True Story

I couldn't help it, when I got to the end of that list and read "Based
On True Story" I nearly fell off my chair laughing. I know, it's
probably not funny, all that stuff happening. But you have to admit,
that's a LOT of stuff happening in one movie. I mean, it's just crazy.

The tag "Employer Employee Relationship" made me laugh, too. This is
just a guess, but with all the crap going down in this movie I would say
the employer/employee relationship in this ended up a little on the
strained side. And I imagine that the "Shaman" had his work cut out for
him also. Unless he was the one who precipitated all the mess in the
first place with his magic spells and such, which I doubt.

As if these people don't have enough problems, there are numerous things
that you would classify as relatively minor by comparison but which you
know are a total pain anyway — "Heavy Rain" and "Cigarette Burn" might
just be the little straws that break someone's sanity, who knows in a
movie like this. At the very least these things would certainly justify
any "Profanity."

And there are others. There is the "Thick Accents" tag. You have to
wonder what side of the linguistic fence this one came down on. Was
someone from New Jersey, maybe? Then there is "Point of View." Yeah,
that's modern journalism for you — it's really just all spin as you report
on someone being "Torn In Half." Perhaps we shouldn't think of it as being
"Torn In Half." Perhaps we should think of it as "Downsizing."

And then there are the tags "Dog" and "Dog Lover." You know, I just have
a really, really bad feeling about that one.

I have to admit that I'm totally curious about this movie now. So I think
I'm going to have to check it out, if I can find it on rental.

Having seen the tags, I'll probably spend the entire movie waiting for
the "Comeuppance" thing to kick in. Until it does I suppose there are the
entertaining aspects of the giant crocodile. And the goat, of course.
Let's not forget about the goat.

It seems they left the tags "Cell Phone"
and "Eddie Bauer" off the list.