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A rare image of the prophet Edwardmus, shown
here holding his magical cooking whisk.

I have to admit that I'm a pessimistic guy when it comes to we humans
and what we do on this planet. In fact, it is my belief that if things
keep going like they are that we will be looking at catastrophic world-
wide famine by the year 2070. But even as depressing as that is to think
about, I think I became even more pessimistic today when I read an article
on the new Global Seed Bank that has opened up in Norway. The future is
one thing. But to see this kind of thing in the here-and-now is another. It's
as if a bunch of people (i.e. the United Nations) got together and said,
"Hey, forget about getting our shit together and trying to solve some of
these problems — let's just PLAN for our cataclysmic future."

Oh boy. I don't know. I really don't. But I soon realized (it took only a
few minutes) that my only response could really be my own series of
predictions, say akin to Nostradamus, just to get my head back on straight.
Or at least try to.

THE PROPHECIES OF EDWARDMUS

  • A huge rock will appear in the sky; but it will go away.
  • Polar bears from the north will travel to southern climes and eat
    people who don't own rifles.
  • Strange beings from another world will land in their flying saucer
    and will pay us for all the cow testicles they have stolen, plus
    interest.
  • Graves will open up and the dead will come forth in a final burst of
    ruthless real-estate development.
  • The Whore of Babylon will appear, but will legally only be able to
    serve two terms and will then retire and write a book.
  • The Anti-Christ will also appear, but will slip in the tub and die.
  • A magical land full of giant mice and sleeping princesses and beautiful
    fairies will be destroyed by an accidental hot-dog stand explosion.
  • Dolphins will acquire the ability to speak and will tell us to go fuck
    ourselves.
  • Atlantis will finally appear in Antarctica after all the glaciers
    melt, introducing a new Age of Complete Nonsense.

A pretty bleak future, as I see it. But at least we'll come out all right
with regard to the cow testicles.

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