The latest weapon in the war
against…well, something or other.
A short while ago I did a post in which I suggested that we send an old,
beat up Edsel to Mars — simply because we could.
But I have to say that recently I've been thinking that with the world
the way it is right now that simply sending an Edsel to Mars should only
be the first step — the initial project in a much broader plan to get
this country moving in a more creative direction.
So here are some more projects I've come up with:
Moving the Statue of Liberty
We've already seen the relocation of London Bridge to the Colorado River
in Arizona. Which was pretty wild. In this one, we will dismantle the
Statue of Liberty and move it to some totally crazy location. I was
thinking we should move it to the middle of Death Valley in California.
Or maybe we could just put it in the middle of a corn field in Iowa.
Or we could move it to Antarctica. We really don't need the thing anymore
Bombing a Foreign Country With Barbie Dolls
I got this idea off of The Colbert Report, in which Steven Colbert
remarked that Iran's latest condemnation of Barbie dolls gave us a
new and powerful weapon.
My idea is to load a couple squadrons of B-52s and carpet bomb some
foreign country with Barbies, with maybe Stacys and Skippers thrown in
just to mix it up a little. God knows we've bombed other countries with
real bombs. It's getting kinda old, actually — too much of "been there,
done that." We need to think more creatively about the whole bombing
So I think that bombing some foreign country with Barbies is exactly the
type of plan we need to get us out of our creative rut. But we really
shouldn't bomb Iran with the Barbies. People might read some sort of
actual relevant political motive into that one, which of course would
undermine the whole senseless point of the thing. We need to find a
country instead that we have absolutely no reason to bomb — say,
Denmark. –[Sorry, Allan!]
Love Notes to People We Hate
I think that another crazy thing we could do would be to send really
nice cards and the occasional bouquet of flowers to world leaders that
we really can't stand. For example, we could send a Valentine's Day card
and a box of chocolates to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Or maybe a
romantic anniversary card and a pink teddy to Bashar al-Asad of Syria.
It really wouldn't cost very much, we could just put a few people in the
State Department to work on it. Diplomatic relations is always such a
complex thing. This simplifies things up a bit and keeps foreign leaders
on the edge of their seat trying to think of what crazy thing we're going
to do next.
Dear Bashar, thinking
Communication With Other Worlds
We should get one of our space broadcasting stations to start sending
messages out to other worlds saying something like "Your mother is
a Romulan trollope" or "Go to hell, you penis-less bastards." And just
to keep them wondering, we'll throw in an occasional message like "Women
who are nursing or pregnant or who may become pregnant should not listen
to this message."
New Rules for Foreign Ambassadors
We'll pass a new State Department regulation requiring that all foreign
ambassadors to the U.S. will have to pass a "psychic screening" with our
"Psychic Laureate" before they are allowed into the country. Also, all
ambassadors will be required to personally sacrifice a goat on the steps
of the U.S. Capital Building once a year. Buddhist ambassadors will be
allowed to smash a watermelon with a sledge hammer in place of the goat
Aegis-Class Cruiser Sound and Light Shows
We should send a half dozen or so Aegis-class cruisers to various ports
around the globe, where they will project cutting-edge hologramic
documentaries like "Hubcap Manufacturing Processes" or "The Five Year
Cleaning of the Washington Monument: Preserving the Heritage." I don't
know how many people would show up at the docks to watch this kind of
thing, but it really doesn't make any difference.
Coming to a port near you —
"Basics of Excel Spreadsheet Formatting."