Some jerk keeps stealing my new girlfriend.

While it certainly is the case that political criminals and evil despots
and psychopaths are the primary vectors in turning this world to shit, I
think that petty criminals also make a contribution, especially inasmuch
as there are so many of them

A couple weeks ago I signed up to have the local newspaper, The
delivered to my home. Which was surprising, given
that I have had some fun in the past poking fun at newspapers, and
generally prefer to get my news from television and the internet. But
when the salesperson called me up and offered the daily and Sunday
newspaper for an introductory price of only $15 for two months, I
decided to take them up on the offer. I figured that my mom might like
reading the newspaper every once in a while. And I had been looking for
new ways to fill my time in a relaxing type of way, and I thought that
spending 20 minutes going through the newspaper as I drank a cup of
coffee might be relaxing.

Not that reading about bad things happening is all that relaxing. But
I've been skipping most of that, to be honest. What I like best, in
fact, is going through the sale advertisements that newspapers are
stuffed with these days. In fact just recently I found a mini dirt bike
for $500, a Howa Ranchland rifle for $429, and a 2 hp, 8 gallon, 115 psi
portable air compressor for $95. None of which I would buy, even if I
had the money. But I would have to say that air compressor was pretty
cool looking. Even if I don't know exactly what it is used for. It's just
this mysterious piece of technology that I have never run into before.
And that's worth the price of a newspaper right there.

Since my apartment building is a "security" building — you have to have
a key to get into the building — they've been delivering the paper in a
light plastic bag on the building doorstep. Which of course means that
it can be easily stolen.

Friday, our paper didn't show up. Somebody took it. And today somebody
took the big Sunday paper. My mom was able to call into the S-R and tell
them that the paper was missing. And in fact they delivered a new one in
just a little less than an hour. Which is pretty damn good.

I hate thieves and robbers. There's just something incredibly narcissistic
about that mind-set. It's like, "I want that. I doesn't belong to me but
I'm going to steal it anyway. Because I'm me, and I want it."

Now if the person who is stealing my newspaper would come to me and say
that they are poor and can't afford a newspaper and are trying to find a
job where they need the want-ads, I would be happy to make some sort of
arrangement with them, perhaps putting the paper out on the steps the next
day so that they can use it. After I kick them in the balls first for stealing
my newspaper, of course. But I think that is very fair.

But if they aren't poor, if they are just taking my paper because they
damn well feel like it, then I think I know a place where they are
guaranteed to get a free newspaper every morning: In jail.

If this keeps up, I might do some sort of a stake-out. I'll grab a cup of
coffee and a chair and sit inside the door early in the morning and watch
for the culprit. And if I catch them at it, I'll jerk open the door and take
their picture. Which if nothing else might keep them at bay for a while.