Princess Curette (center) with her posse, Exzema and Bulemia.
Well once again to get to the topic of Movies So Bad They Are Good,
I was fortunate enough to catch Princess Warrior (1989) on the
freebie movie channel the other night. And last night too — I confess,
I've watched the thing twice now. Which on the one hand is sort of
embarrassing but which on the other hand I won't apologize for either.
I could go all over the place with this review, as I have in the past
with other Good/Bad movies. But I think this time I will just give a
On a planet very far from us, the Queen Mother of a totally matriarchal
society lays dying. It is time for her to pass on the throne, and before
she dies she leaves the throne to her good daughter Ovule. Which doesn't
make her evil daughter, Curette, very happy at all. A fight breaks out
between the two factions and to protect her safety Ovule hops in the
Portal (that's a technical term) and among the millions of worlds in
our galaxy somehow lands up on our planet Earth. I guess in order to
transport yourself (portal yourself?) in the Portal you can't have any
clothes on, and the now-naked now-Queen Ovule arrives on Earth in the
middle of a wet t-shirt contest at a bar. Grabbing a "Better When Wet"
t-shirt to kinda-sorta hide her nakedness, she gets the attention of
the D.J. working at the bar, who seeks to befriend her. But Ovule runs
away. Lost and lonely and cold (even though this is Los Angeles), Ovule
walks the streets and absconds with a burrito. But the D.J., Bob (the
only way they could have come up with a name more fake sounding than
that would have been to have used the actor's real name of Mark Pacific)
hunts her down on his motorcycle.
Queen Ovule gets a burrito and doesn't pay for it.
Meanwhile, sister Curette gets with her two cohorts, Exzema and Bulemia,
and they all get naked and get into their own Portal and end up (somehow)
at the bar also. By this time the wet t-shirt contest has unfortunately
ended so they just beat the crap out of a few guys — "maggots" in their
parlance — steal their clothes, and force the bar owner to tell all that
has gone on with Ovule and Bob. They leave with the owner in tow and at
that point somehow the cops get involved with it all as well. And thus
the chase is on — usually down the same 3 block section of the city that
they seem to feature in every scene. At the end though they end up at a
warehouse. So they weren't totally skimpy on the budget. In fact it must
have cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars to make this movie.
While all this is going on the High Priestess back on Ovule's planet is
trying to get into the Portal Chamber so she can bring back Ovule. But
the door has been locked by one of Curette's minions and for some reason
the High Priestess of the Entire Planet doesn't have the key to get in. So
the High Priestess comes up with an idea to get into the Portal Chamber.
Getting together with a group of priestesses they all link hands and chant
some sort of mantra. "The Portal is within you" the High Priestess says to
them. All I can say is that I was truly moved by this example of empower-
ment where women become their own Portal.
Will Ovule defeat the evil Curette, make it safely back to her planet to
claim her throne, and find love and happiness with Bob the D.J.? Well
I'm sorry but you are going to have to sit through this totally insane
movie to find out what happens.
This movie is so ridiculous in so many ways and on so many levels that it
almost leaves me speechless. I definitely have to rank it right up there
with my beloved Invasion of the Bee Girls.
Princess Curette attempts to whip Queen Ovule with a big hose.
I think I had better not comment on that one.